How to turn a pear into an apple

Just had my first mammogram since my surgery, and I'm relieved to say that the radiologist saw nothing out of the ordinary.

My oncologist recommended taking aspirin or ibuprofen about half an hour before the screening. Mammography is a low-dose x-ray of the breast while compressed to the thickness of luncheon meat. I have some internal scar tissue, and the muscles leading from my armpit to my ribs are pretty tight. On top of big squeeze, it felt like my entire right side was being slowly pulled apart like taffy.

What's with all the food analogies, you ask? I blame my current anti-cancer drug, tamoxifen. I gained about fifteen pounds during chemo, and put on another five during radiation. I don't eat more than I did a year ago, and my activity level is about the same, so what gives? My oncologist said "Some people blame tamoxifen, but it's probably just menopause." I have noticed that doctors are reluctant to admit the extent of drug side effects. This kind of dismissal always drives me straight to MedLine, which is why I'm such a pain-in-the-ass patient.

There's some relatively recent literature linking tamoxifen to excess visceral fat. Visceral, as in gut. I'm trying to get used to my new belly. Ever since I hit puberty, off-the-rack pants ballooned around my waist, even while they were too snug in the hips and thighs. I guess I should thank tamoxifen for transforming me into a more conventionally-shaped fat woman.

"Relationships between tamoxifen use, liver fat and body fat distribution in women with breast cancer." Intl. J. of Obesity. Feb. 2001. [Link]

Breasts

I visited Dr. B yesterday, and as I hoped, he removed the drain. So why do I feel so lousy? Ever since Monday, I've been afflicted with a general malaise, and more concrete symptoms, such as aching joints. Others have told me that healing from surgery can be draining. Every conversation I had today seemed to have been broadcast from some distant planet.

With the drain removed, and swelling reduced, I can better see the end results of surgery. There will be a little dent on the outside of my right breast, and any illusion of symmetry between the girls is now officially over. In fact, asymmetry is very common. When it comes to breasts, "normal" includes countless shapes and sizes. The previous link, a site advocating public breastfeeding, is probably NSFW. Breasts, despite doing unsexy things like feeding babies and getting cancer, are still officially dirty in this country.

And not having breasts is dirty, too. Twisty at I Blame the Patriarchy found that, despite having a double mastectomy, going topless while swimming was not an option. It upset the other women at the pool, apparently. Although I'm not as bold as Twisty, I wondered if I would feel self-conscious undressing after a mastectomy, even in front of other women. When I exposed my bald head in public, it most often was women who stared at me. Although some of the scrutiny was friendly, though artless, some was cold, without a spark of kindness or concern. Perhaps a cancer patient who chooses to not cover her bald head, much less her mastectomy scars, is considered to be weird and threatening.